I Am Bleeding Inside...

My Story...

Date: Tuesday, 20|04|2004

Time: 7.55pm

Mood: Great...

Listening: Yellowcard - Empty Apartment

Qoute: " I DONT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"

So, some bitch just warned a girl off to stay away from me cos that bicth told her im her boyfriend... For god's sake... Im fucking single. Dont use my name to threatened people. Fuck it. So girl, its ok... Im clean. As in nothing to be worried to be close to me.

So, Khai, Happy Birthday tommorrow dude. If we meet, i'll offer you a cigarette. You'll like it. Its Sempoerna. Yeah, im glad to have you back in the band. Its ok bout the hostile cos i pretty much threw it in the bin some months ago. The dissing was good. Some of it was an eye opening, some of it was a humorous one. Really. Like i told Zu lots of times before, i'll take you as a friend anytime you want it. Its all up to you. So, yeah on my behalf. Sorry too. Pretty wasting for good memories to end up in hostility yeah? It was good. Good days we had. I love it. Wrestling at Skatepark... Haha. Cant get that out of my mind. Oh, the other great part. Burger King... Ate some leftovers... haha... So tommorrow you'll be 18 dude. Congratulations! Rock with that SG. Congrates on that one too. You pretty did good things for me too. I appreciate it alot. Thanks. Forget all the disses, lets get the story in the diary started. Im craving for screaming. I want to scream. And i know you want to start your SG. This friday dude.,. This Friday. We'll inform you more later... Well, moms bday is tommorrow too. Pretty bad cos ive only 3 bucks with me. Guess i'll spend time doing DIY stuffs for her. Oh yeah, Khai... I did that for you on your last year's bday and gave it to you in the mosque remember? Hahaha... Pretty budget ah... Sorry... So yeah, this time, for mom... Love her so much. The great thing is, i get a 2 days MC! No work and school for 2 days! See, my leg was scarred. I didnt do anything about it and thats where the infection started... My left foot is now fatter than my right foot. It is SWOLLEN... So yeah, went to the clinic, paid 50 bucks,, get this 3 differnet types of pills and 2 cooling creams... wee... soo soothing... But hope this will heal soon cos IM GOING TO KL!!! Need a vacation! Gonna meet Zee, Ian and friends there. I might be tagging with MSC and Junaidi for MSC is performing on the 15 in KL. So yeah, gonna be dope! Till then see ya! And HAPPY BDAY MOM AND KHAI!

Date: Tuesday, 13|04|2004

Time: 10.54pm

Mood: Thankful...

Listening: Nothing...

Qoute: " Tu, sampah tu...... "

We have Sid, Fadz, May, the other TM's guy, whom i dont know his name, sorry, Eileen, Fizah. My bros, Zu, Nash Sayyid, as always we'll stick to one. (Tak habis habis muke korang...) Haha... Kiddin. Keith, drink? when? where? And of course all the bands! Great performances by all of you guys! Great impact by Forget Me Not! Ian, thanks for the CD. Elisabelle Tears, Its ok guys, dont worry bout the broken stuffs... Lots of it are settled. And thanks to everyone who came by to have a good clean fun at the gig. Basically, ive achieve what i always wanted a gig to be. Without those kids that we, you know, dont want them to join in the moshpit... You know and i know whom i referring to... Right? End My Ordeal was fine but i hope to even better it. Honestly, i didnt really planned it enough cos i have no time... Honestly, i think ive failed to publisize the gig... More crowd to know... But it didnt happened... Should have it planned a long time ago... Hope the next time i got a slot to organise a gig, i wont blow it away... Well, proud to say, we have a rockstar on a rise... Suhairie! Yay! Nice set by your band in EMO. Yeah, you shouldnt really be helping us cos you're a rockstar already... And thanks for telling the kids that your band played in EMO... Sudahlah... Dont have to tell peeps bout it... Well, i must say, Sayyid is pretty good for a vocalist! Daddy rock ah! So yeah, we'll be heading down to the studio one day and we're gonna wrestle each other while screaming along with Ansh on the guitars and Zu on the drums... Gonna be fun... Cant wait.

Date: Tuesday, 6|04|2004

Time: 10.54pm

Mood: Tak habis habis...

Listening: Khai's song about ditching me...

Qoute: " Pencilbox aku koyak... "

Understand one thing... Im ignoring your shits... Hehehe... Woopidoo... You can have all the grudge on me but one things for sure, i'm ignoring it. Im taking your criticism as my testimonial... Never fell so proud of it. Ok, ok... Dont want to disturb you more, continue puffing that thing you hated most... Ooohh... sedap ah ni Sempoerna... *puff* *blows*, dope sak!... Ok, enough! So yeah, it was fun performing that 5th at Youth Park It was all like shit cos me and Zad was working till 7 at our cafe and our set was at 7.15pm. Rushed and panic, we got drench and i was waithout a bass guitar. So yeah, i went up to this guy, carrying a bass guitar bag, said hi, and said this, "Cool! Can i borrow your bass?" And so i got it. Borrowed it and performed with it. Played Best Of Me, jumped jmped and at the end of it... oooops. Well, i must say November Iris is doing well with me around. Hahaha kidding. Just so fun to be in the band for only like 2 weeks and performed with them. And yeap, something happened... A girl got me doped with love... Like what?! I dont know... For god sake what was happening to me?! We're not couples but friends and we were like couples... But we are not! She lied on my shoulders, then start holding hands, then, start hugging and then, hold hands like forever, then... for all i know, my cellphone's message inbox flooded with this kinda message, "tu GF kau?" Nothing to say lah kan... I still cant find a way to explain it. Its like, am i her BF now? I really am confuse. Of course, this is suppose to be girl's sentence, "Im so confuse, what should i do?" Like pregnant aje... So back to it... I dont know... I dont even know my feelings towards her... She gave me her love, i gave her back mine... But is it this way of what love is? Returning loves to someone who gave love to you? Cos i really dont know. I dont want to regret or anything or worst, continue the relationship and then say, "ooopsie daisy, sorry, i wasnt in love... bye bye..." Sad you know... Its like so sad... I dont know... I need time to think. I really have to decide whether i should say, "Hey, look, can you be my err. my err... valentine?" or, "Hey, look, can we be just like, errr.... err... friends?" Honestly, i'm not prepared for love. Not a joke, serious... Aisha once said when Suhaila brought up the matter about Hanna liked me, " Alah, Spike... Macam aje nak layan pompuan. Aku letak model depan die pon die leh buat bodoh, buat latte sua..." Hahaha... Seriously, i think its true... Lotsa cute chicks down there and im ignoring them. Recently, got a letter, dont know who it was from but got it from a customer who told me she's a friend to the girl who wrote that letter. Pretty impressive... Perfumed letter, nicely decorated, grey in colour... But ended up lost somewhere in the kitchen. I misplaced it cos i concentrated on work too much. And i dont even have the urge to search for it. I dont know... Maybe its not time yet to fall in love or shall i say, no time to fall in love... School, then work, then sleep. Thats my routine... What more time am i left with? My family, then my bandmates... Even my parent thinks im torturing myself. With all this in mind and heart, how can i possibly end up hanging with a girl?! Even if she loves me, i cant have time for her... That will only kill her heart... To know that she's not being cared of by whom she love and trusted... I dont know... I hate this but sorry... I dont know... You know who you are, and i admit that that day was the best day of my life to know im being cared and loved by you... Lotsa of peeps witnessed that, my bandmates especially... Yeah i love you but i dont know if this can continue... or continue then dies off...

Date: Tuesday, 23|03|2004

Time: 7.51am

Mood: Hoo Haa...

Listening: Lost Prophets - Last Train Home

Qoute: "Your image? What bout my fucking image?!! "

So here i am. Fucking pissed with the fucking boss... So i cant have my hair letdown and letgo. It was fucking long and my hair kept swoosh swish whenever i move. Oh dammit how i like that swoosh swish thingy... So yeah, he told me to cut the fringe so i did... Ive no choice but to gel up my hair so i wont look like a complete idiot. I gelled it up the last three days like a mohawk style, he didnt mind at first until that fucking indian lady came by and said this to him (she iks so freagin ugly, i dont know how she can get my boss hooked...) "Oh my god! He looks like a punk! You let him work here?" So yeah, that triggered him off and thhe next thing i know is that he came back yesterday with a warning letter. God i tell you, it's so fucking funny! A warning letter to fire me if my hairdo spoils his image. Fuck! So i told him, what about my fucking image? And blablabla he told me to wear the cap. Well, ok, not bad. Wearing the cap will be fine. So the story ends with the cap. Thanks cap. So yeah, Juliet, have a good day in school. Hahaha. Oh. Iris Riot will be performing this 3rd April at Youth Park to over the slot of my dead band, Paper Airplane killed by Khai The OUCH!!! So yeah, Khai, good job boy! Im sure you are so lonely... Awww... But thanks for the song. Im sure by sending it to more than 20 people ur life will be blessed! More than 30 people, you will be famous! 40 people, you will be rich! So keep singing bout hating me and all cos i'll keep saying: FUCK YOU! Oh, Azly, keep it up. The recording is great. Not this os not sarcasm. Just wanna wish you and your frenz... A happy year for the "O" Levels... Haha. Fucklah! I NEED MONEY! ARGH! CHIBAI! Have to go to work!!! PUKI! 11th April gig!!! BUTOH! Recording! Oh yeah, before i forget, Iris Riot, now is The November Iris! Why? I dont know, i just got in the band... FUCK ME! I SUCK!

Date: Wednesday, 17|03|2004

Time: 10.30am

Mood: Ok...

Listening: Deftones - Minerva

Qoute: "Juliet never existed... "

Im baaack... Its been a month. Haha... Perfect. So things have turned from bad to goo, sad to happy... Weee... So yeah, Juliet's Diary is always awesome to me. Especially with Zu beating the drums like hell and Nash trashing away with some angry tunes on his guitar. I can only scream... boo hoo... So yeah, we jammed, unfortunately, Irfan, well, let's just say we missed him so much cos he didnt came... Ok, so yeah moving on to Iris Riot. A great band. So we went out jamming without having to session me before hand and what we got? A gig slot by Garage Studio. Haha... So FUN! Cant wait to get the new emocore song done guys! AND LETS PLAY that song, UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!!! Now my working life... SUCKS! I WANT TO DEMOTE MYSELF!!! I DONT LIKE THIS POSITION! But its fun to be able to sack people off... Hehehehe... And its fun to control them around but its no fun doing that cos i'll be seen like and ego mean mutherfuker bastard... Why? Cos im only 18 and the crews are like 20 yrs of age and blablabla... Im younger than them and its hard for me to lead them! Nevermind... Who cares right? Fuck! Ok, so i found a new friend. Juliet! Hahaha... Ok, her name is sakina (i spelt it right?). Unfortuately, i dont have the ability to talk someone to sleep anymore... So yeah, she's crazy. Laughing and all... So fun. And i call her Juliet cos she wants it that way. So Juliet will she be. A cheerful one! And so, im gonna start school soon! WHOA! Cant wait for it! It'll be fun dontcha think?! Fun cos guys will look at chicks and chicks will look at guys in their classes! Hahaha... Human nature... The last time i went there was when i was with Zu, and there was this Caucasian girl. WOWZIE! And she smiled at Zu cos Zu smiled at her... Fuck ass... You're lucky she didnt noticed i was around cos my dad called me that moment... FUCK THAT CALL! Haha... Kiddin Dad... Oh yeah, didnt i tell you guys that my dad will read this blog? He might have read urs too... Haha... Ok, so i'm gonna be gone. Hahaha... So yeah, the gig on 11th april will be as follows:

E.M.O. (End My Ordeal)

The Guiness Theatre

$7 (dont complain its too expensive...)

11042004

1500-2100

Bands:

Grave Like Roses 3.00-3.35

ACI 3.35-4.10

AWOL 4.10-4.45 Dyfectra 4.45-5.20

November Iris 5.20-5.55 break------------- 5.55-5.15

Forget Me Not 5.15-6.00

Death Of Izabel Le' Monarch 6.00-6.45 Nazark 6.45-7.20

Elisabelle Tears 7.20-7.55

My Squared Circle 7.55-8.30

Dear Arsonist 8.30-9.00

Sky In Euphoria 9.30-10.00

Ok, so... See that red thing? I NEED 2 EMOPUNK BANDS and I NEED CREWS!!! Thanks... Interested, call me up. i wont bother to those emailing me their band's status or anything... Dont be a dick chick. Be a man, call me at 98578086. Thanks... - 0rganised by Musiczone Records, Pressplay 0rg and LKS Music Centre...

Date: Wednesday, 25|02|2004

Time:3.46pm

Mood: Blur...

Listening: Thursday - War All The Time

Qoute: "I spent 2 years along with you..."

K. So here i am, for almost a month i havent been reporting to my online journal... Nows the time... Darn, everybody's panic bout collecting that slip of a fucking paper. It just goes to show how fucking scared we can be. Its fate. So fuck it and relax bout the panic level you're facing. So yeah, watched Gothika with Seri just now. Its a very boring, stupid, and a no sense at all show. So fucking passe that i ate the nachos and plugged in to my discman. Seri was kinda hooked up with the show that she didnt even drank the coke and ate the popcorn i bought. WTH... What a waste. Anyway, hope she'll get that guy soon. All the best, grrl. Stay your punk rock thing alive... So yeah, alot of thtings to get prepared for the 11th April gig... I need time guys, so sit back relax and chill. I'll get back to you guys later on. Sms me wont help cos im busy at times. Ahh... Cant wait this Friday, collecting the "O" Level's results... Whats more exciting is, to gather as a class back again. Sadly, for the last time, i guess... Its been doped being with my classmates. Especially with the ones who helped me with my problems... Thanks but it all goes into the diary as a memoirs. How i wish to turn back time spending my days in school with you guys again. Been drinking and drinking, smoking and smoking. i cant control it this time. Zu, we are worst than the peeps we think they are worst than us. Haha... But nevermind, at least i know you now are my buddy. Ol' pal selling popcorns drinking and never stop barganing. Hahah. Yanti, im sorry but i'll find time to go out with you yeah? I havent had even sometime to spend with my bros to jam and chill out. But sure, will do meet you when i have the time... Oh nice eyes you have there... winks! Oh, just dont ask me to meet you at a clubbing place. And of course, i will feel weird to be invited to your friend's bday party. Hopefully we wont be meeting there...Meet you in advance first... So yeah, get back to me when you've settle the stupid bill. And for god's sake... get an msn messenger, please... hahaha. So yeah, i'll end this here. All the best for my result, God bless me. Wish me luck for it. Wish you guys, my friends, or enemy, all the best for you guys.